The meaning of life…

meaningoflife

On Monday afternoon when I returned from work, the hubster was home on a day off and EJ was having a nap. I started to notice that my vision was going a bit blurry at the edges. I don’t normally get headaches but this one was rapidly going from bad to worse. I managed the school run and agreed to take the boys down to the local swing park but fortunately the hubster returned from the gym and kindly offered to take them for me while I went to lay in a darkened room. Before I had a chance to get myself horizontal I glanced out of the window and saw a strange scene. We live right on a main road and one of the cars driving past our row of parked cars had slowed down and stopped, holding up traffic behind him. He was looking over at where my husband was crouching down between the parked cars. I hadn’t heard a shout or screech of brakes and so I wondered what was going on. Thirty seconds later they came back into the house and the husband informed that two year old EJ had just run out into the road whilst he himself had been grappling with the five year old’s hefty bike (complete with stabilisers) and EJ’s own scooter. Fortunately (extremely fortunately) he had had enough time to grab EJ a foot out into the road and haul him back unharmed, but he was completely shaken up and shouting about not taking bikes or scooters anywhere ever again.

Both boys collapsed in tears on me and we all had a bit of a cry. It’s times like this that you think to yourself ‘what if?’ and ‘there, for the grace of God, go I’. And in the moments, and hours and days afterwards you hold your children, drink them in with your eyes as they are sleeping, breathe in the scent of their fluffy heads, and try not to imagine what life would be like without them.

Another day I was walking through town on my lunch break from work and I passed an old lady on a crossing. She was old enough and frail enough to make me think that she was in her twilight years and also to feel almost a motherly instinct to help her and make sure she reached her destination unharmed. It got me thinking about life, where I’m at in the process and what that means. I actually had tears in my eyes when I put myself in that old lady’s place – looking back on my own life from far in the future, knowing that I will never have this much daily love and affection in my life once my children are grown and flown. I felt lonliness flood in, I felt the alienation of a modern world which was moving too fast for my ever decreasing grey matter. And more than that I just felt that there was this voice urging me to appreciate every single second and even in what seem like the ‘bad’ times, take that with a pinch of salt because before you know it, this special, infuriating, limiting, expanding time will be gone and it will feel like the blink of an eye.

 

28 thoughts on “The meaning of life…

    • Aw. Thank you Susanne. I guess maybe that sounded a bit pessimistic – I think there is a big difference between the kind of affection you get from fluffy headed small children and grown up men with lives and families of their own. I lament the fact that I don’t have a daughter because I’ve always thought that the mother daughter bond seems closer and stronger than a lot of mother-son bonds but what do I know?! X

  1. What a scare! Thank goodness nobody was hurt. From the tone of your posts lately Sam it sounds like you’ve got a lot going on in your head. I hope you manage to reconcile it all and get back to happy.

    If you don’t like certain things then change them, because to look back at life when you’re that lady’s age and be full of regret would be really sad. Make the most of today because you never know what tomorrow will bring xxx #sharewithme

    • I didn’t realise they were sounding so sad hon. I know I had some real hard issues to deal with right back in August but I think they got resolved to an acceptable level. I still get a sadness when I sometimes read about how other people seem to have got it so right with the pattern of their lives, whereas I feel that the decisions I’ve made have not left me in the same contented place in some important respects – you know: here I am in my early 40s, and shouldn’t I be more certain about the future by now? But on the other hand I’m trying to avert my eyes from other people’s bliss (despite the fact that everyone has their ups and downs) and concentrate on the lovely things about *my* life, that *do* make me feel happy and contented. How divisive social media can be sometimes, completely unintentionally. I don’t begrudge anyone celebrating their career success or their picture perfect love stories, I just can’t help if they make me cry! X

  2. You are absolutely right, with a blink of an eye your littles will be big. In a nanosecond I am certain of it. It’s difficult sometimes though so don’t be so hard on yourself. Ps I hope your boy is ok from his near miss, there innocence and strong will to be independent is so lovely but clearly rather scary some days too x

  3. Oh Sam this brought tears to my eyes, the thought of that happening terrifies me. I am so so glad all turned out well and noone was hurt. Monkey choked on our holiday and started to go blue, it was hideous but he was ok in the end. Like you say though, after something happens like this you just can’t help but imagine the worst. Life with kids and toddlers can be exhausting and infuriating at times, but the thought of life without them would be so so much worse. . Life is a funny old thing isn’t it xxx

    • Oh no! Blimey that monkey of yours knows how to give you a scare too! I think it was worse for the husband because he was right down there seeing it all play out. I can imagine a choking incident hitting you much more viscerally because you must see the panic in their eyes too. Touch wood we haven’t had this with either of them up to now. It is a funny old thing, and the grass is, of course, greener on the other side. But I’m trying to savour the grass on my side right now! X

      • Oh he does, it was daft really, he had a blocked nose so couldn’t breathe through his nose, but decided to shove a whole biscuit in his mouth then take a breath. Daft toddler but was a scary 30s or so! Yeah must have been horrible for your husband to see it happening, thank goodness he did though! Definitely good to be reminded how lucky we are sometimes! Reminds us how green our grass is! Xx

  4. Oh I’m welling up! Just the thought of that experience with your little ones makes me shudder.
    It’s so true, we really do have to appreciate every single day with our kids. My two are 4 and (almost) 2 and the amount to love and affection they give me melts my heart. I know it’s won’t last forever and that makes me feel very sad. This age is so special!!
    #ShareWithMe

  5. I’m glad you’re little boy wasn’t hurt. Scary though when what could have happened won’t leave your mind! Sad too about the older lady. It’s true that this time of constant companionship and family all around is fleeting. It’s good to be reminded to appreciate it.

    • That’s what I think Marie. I know nothing about that old lady – she may have had a very close family and lots of regular visits from grandchildren for all I know! I guess I was in a poignant mood! It is good to appreciate it too though – the thought of what my future self would be thinking when she hears me losing my temper etc. makes me feel silly and take a step back. X

  6. So happy to hear that you are all relatively unscathed after Monday and yes, it takes something like this for us to realise that we’re not completely invincible! It’s good to appreciate what we have each and every day.
    Last weekend both daughters left for uni and I miss them already, so make the most of your boys while they are still little and need you. This time goes way too fast.

  7. Moments like that just make the world stop don’t they. I try very hard not to dwell on what ifs, but it can be very hard to at times like this. I have to agree with Mummy Tries, there’s a sadness to your posts at the moment, I really hope you’re okay lovely x

    • Thanks Sara. As I said to Mummy Tries, I have elements in my life that have come to the fore over the summer which have highlighted where I feel I have gone wrong in life and much as I want to be thrilled for other peoples’ successes and achievements, sometimes reading that kind of stuff can be like having your face rubbed in the sand. Having said that i don’t want to whinge because in many respects (and having two perfect and healthy and adorable little boys in particular) I do have an enviable life myself. X

    • Thanks Mel. That is exactly it, isn’t it? Being mindful about the moment we are living as well as thoughtful about how this moment will play black as a memory one day really brings it home how many wonderful things we are blessed with. X

  8. I am so glad EJ is fine. So scary. It’s funny how the little happenings in life can make us stop and think about the bigger picture and the what ifs always overwhelm me. I just try not to think about them. But hard when something like that happens. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me and your post really made me think about alot of things. Thanks hun #sharewithme

    • Thanks Jenny. It was a scary moment – another two year old was hit by a car in a quieter road in our town a couple of months ago – these things do happen and you have to be so careful. Best to just appreciate the things we have and hold them close, eh? Xx

      • I heard from my childminder that the little girl is doing well now, despite having been taken off to London in an air ambulance at the time of the accident. I pray for her and her family that everything will be OK. I know what you mean though – I always try and limit my speed to 20 when I’m near schools or in residential roads but people drive at stupids speeds down the main road sometimes.

  9. So glad EJ was OK. Just the thought of potential scares like that in the future leave me with a knot in my stomach, it’s so scary how things can change in the blink of an eye and I agree it is so so so important to try and appreciate every minute – as it happens. It’s definitely hard sometimes though. Thanks for sharing this thoughtful post. #sharewithme

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